Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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