I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
