I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
