did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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