I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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