Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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