Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
