Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
