she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
im on a boat
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