i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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