I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
