'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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