I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
