i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
