I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
