There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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