My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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