got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
