i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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