best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
