I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
