I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
