I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
