i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
