Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
