I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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