just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
