Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
