We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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