Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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