just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize