From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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