Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
