Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
