its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
