do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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