Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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