just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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