Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
