got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
