remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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