I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
