You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
