Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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