I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
