so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
