She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
