if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
