i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
