The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
