I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
