I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
