Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
