I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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