I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
