i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
