I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Will exercising make me less horny?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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