The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
